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Sometimes events in life
catch us by surprise. Parents of teenagers, for example, could no doubt
share story after story of times absolute shock and disbelief overwhelmed
them. Let’s take one scenario as an example. The phone rings, you are
asked to come to a local department store to talk to the Police about your
son caught shoplifting. “What? Not our son, he goes to church every
week. He is on the honor roll! He is a good boy. There must be some
mistake. My son would never steal anything.” Bad things can happen to good people. The parent in this example will often say, “How could you…?” “After all I’ve done for you…! I am so embarrassed, and so shocked!” And we heap the guilt higher and higher as the reality of the transgression sinks in. This is where we miss it. The teenager did not do
the wrong just to ruin our day. The son probably did not think,
“Oh, this will show them, I’ll take this watch from the shelf, get
caught by the Police, and really embarrass my mom!” We tend to take
things like this so personally. And the result is often broken
communication and more trouble than we ever dreamed possible. When we
respond like this, we really push our kids away. “Don’t start the
guilt trips again, Mom.” “Man,
all you do is make me feel guilty all the time!”
What mother hasn’t heard sentences like this as she sheds
dramatic tears, or rants her disgust and grief over a transgression? You
see, women give. It comes with the territory. We give and give and give,
and most of the time we love it, too! However, when the thanks
we get are deep disappointment, humiliation, or disrespect, the natural
response is to make the offender feel our pain. We want them to know
how incredibly hurt we are. Somehow, in our female minds, it just
makes sense that if they realize how much pain their actions have caused,
the guilt of that will make them never do it again. The trouble is, it
doesn’t work that way. Over time, the load of hurt Mom carries, fuels
resentment and disrespect in the heart of the child. Let’s
look at our shoplifter again. He got in with some dumb
friends that wanted to get away with something. He got caught, and the
Police, no doubt gave him quite a tongue-lashing. He is embarrassed,
scared, and feels awful. Now
you show up. Suddenly the
whole focus shifts to how disappointed Mom is, and the real issue of
disobedience and sin takes the back burner. Now
it’s all about you, when it should be all about the boy. He already
knows you are hurt. He doesn’t need to hear about it over and over. Take it to your knees
instead, and tell God all about your hurt, shock, and anger, but keep the
main thing the main thing. The child has sinned. He does need to feel
guilt because the feelings of guilt deep inside are often the motivation
for repentance. Personally, I am very grateful for the guilt in my life
because it keeps me close to Jesus. However, I am an adult. I figured it
out. Children (and sometimes husbands) resent our ‘guilt trips’,
especially when our words are all about our own pain and suffering. To the
person on the receiving end, we seem self-centered and out of control.
So what to do? Try this. Present a
strong confidence in your own ability to cope, and cultivate a quiet
spirit. “We are going to get through this, son. You have sinned, you
have work to do to get things turned around, and I am here to help you do
that work. You will repay for what you have done”…(administer the
restrictions, consequences, punishment, etc.) “And you will come out the
other side of this a better person.” The punishment needs to fit the
offense and you must follow through and enforce it. Just do
not make part of the punishment the burden of your pain. That is
yours to carry. One great truth I learned
years ago (the hard way) is this: When we lose control, the children (or
husbands) in our life lose respect for us. Yelling and crying and ranting
and raving serve only to increase resentment. Besides,
nobody but Jesus really cares how hurt we are anyway. So, tell it all to
Him in your closet of prayer, and praise him for the opportunity to
do so. Consecrate your life in trust of your Savior, and copy his ways.
You can do this because you are stronger than you think, especially when
you pray regularly. Strive to keep your home with courage, and model that
strong confidence in the face of any trouble. Keep your focus on high
personal goals, and let life dish out it’s own ‘guilt trips’. And remember this: Consecrated Keepers find beauty even in sorrow. They look for the good in people and situations, forgetting their own significance. They press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:14). They grow, they love, they flourish, they bless others, and they survive. They look down and see gold streets one day and rejoice with all the friends and loved ones over there. They are fiercely stalwart and very brave, and one of them is you.
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